ABA Journal


Question of the Week

If your title accurately described your job, what would your business card say?

Oct 9, 2013, 04:14 pm CDT


Defensoris fatuis

By Tyrone on 2013 10 10, 2:26 am CDT

Tyrone, I think that would be "defensor fatuorum".

I like it, though!

By Hedgehog on 2013 10 10, 4:06 pm CDT


Anything else is secondary.

By W.R.T. on 2013 10 11, 4:09 am CDT

"Criminal Defense Law and Assistant Undertaker"

In some cases, there is nothing you can do but straighten the tie and powder the nose. Everything else possible has already been done.

By Andrew J. J. Delehanty on 2013 10 11, 12:10 pm CDT

Furloughed Federal Attorney - availability subject to the will of Congress

By Govt Atty on 2013 10 11, 12:54 pm CDT

Whipping Boy, Senior Partner Division

By silencedogood20 on 2013 10 11, 12:56 pm CDT

"Doing our best to unf*** your life."

By Svenska on 2013 10 11, 1:04 pm CDT

Senior Associate in our Cat Herding, Dead Horse Beating practice area.

By Tom on 2013 10 11, 1:05 pm CDT

@Tom - I am reminded of the ultimate expression of futility - 'flogging the greasy spot on the road where the dead horse used to be'. Hard to fit on a business card, though ...

By John G on 2013 10 11, 1:08 pm CDT

Social Worker/Clinical Psychologist

By WRN on 2013 10 11, 1:26 pm CDT

mind reader, juggler, purveyor of nonsense and caterer to all needs of judges

By Sandra M on 2013 10 11, 1:31 pm CDT

Trial and appellate lawyer. In fact, it's what the card will say now that you have raised the subject.

By Wayne Morse on 2013 10 11, 1:35 pm CDT

either "Well Paid Janitor" or "Attorney at Law, not Miracle Worker"

#7 and #11 are spot on!

By KS Litigator on 2013 10 11, 1:45 pm CDT


By beentheredonethat on 2013 10 11, 1:56 pm CDT

"In the business of ending marriages since 1998."

By Kim on 2013 10 11, 2:09 pm CDT

"Gets large settlements for people who really need it for legitimate purposes, but instead they buy matching his and her BMW 3-series convertibles, new boobs for her and her "bestie," pay cash for a house that's way out of their range, bought the kids a whole bunch of crap they didn't need, and now they are right back in the same boat on the verge of bankruptcy, except now they have assets that the trustee can sell to pay back the debt!"

That's a true story.

By Sabattic AL on 2013 10 11, 2:16 pm CDT

On Call 24/7 Babysitter

By CrazyCatLady on 2013 10 11, 2:54 pm CDT

Problem Ender

Motto: I may not solve your problem, but I will end it.
(Actually articulated that to a client 20+ years ago, and he immediately got it. Best client ever!)

By DeadHead on 2013 10 11, 2:59 pm CDT

Master of nothing - victim of all - an able lawyer who routinely accomplishes the impossible with the unavailable for the unknowing, uncaring, and ungrateful - a wallet for loved ones - Dad to the two most amazing children in my world (and simultaneously, the apparent source of everything that could ever be wrong in theirs!) - husband to the greatest woman to ever live - brother of most selfish and personally indulgent sibling ever hatched - son of the most honest, capable, hard working, caring, funny, loving man I've ever known.

By NY Trial Lawyer on 2013 10 11, 3:05 pm CDT

As a law firm librarian, it should probably say Miracle Worker.

By Law Librarian on 2013 10 11, 3:10 pm CDT

Underpaid, over-creative--and ahead of my time. Hire me anyway-- I
I'll find a solution.

(sorry-- not as witty as the rest)

By ECS on 2013 10 11, 3:18 pm CDT

Counselor and Attorney at Law

Or is it Attorney and Counselor at Law ?

By Hadley V. Baxendale on 2013 10 11, 3:26 pm CDT

"E-Mail 1st Responder"

By EG on 2013 10 11, 3:30 pm CDT

Asunderess. When what God has brought together doesn't work.

By Pogo on 2013 10 11, 3:41 pm CDT

"Cynical Bastard, I believe nothing you tell me but will represent you regardless"

By Brad on 2013 10 11, 3:49 pm CDT

I'm both a tax and trusts & estates lawyer. My card shows my certification as a State Bar approved specialist in both fields.

To enhance that I might add what a client said to me, "You make estate planning fun."

By O. w. Holmes on 2013 10 11, 4:05 pm CDT

"Button Pusher"

When our daughter was in grade school, she asked, What does Daddy do?" We told her that "he goes to work and pushes buttons," because we thought she was too young to understand the consepts associated with the work of a lawyer who writes opinions deciding employment disputes on a computer. When she was older, and one of her friends was visiting, we overheard the friend say, "You have a nice house. What does your dad do?" Naturally, our daughter responded, "oh, he's just a button pusher somewhere."

By WVLabrLaw on 2013 10 11, 5:20 pm CDT

Perhaps I should have said "Button Pusher who needs a Spell Checker" I ordinarily spell "concepts" correctly.

By WVLabrLaw on 2013 10 11, 5:25 pm CDT

My business card would say "Extracto Law Firm PLLC. Greedy Lawyers. Give Us the Cash!"
in my dreams...

By Anna Gray on 2013 10 11, 5:40 pm CDT

I think #7 hit it on the head. We're forever telling people they can pay us now or pay us later . . . it's amazing how many don't believe us, and then wind up paying us more later. To undo what they did wrong the first time. Or did wrong without talking to an attorney.

By RecentGrad on 2013 10 11, 6:53 pm CDT

Whine Collector

By Steph on 2013 10 11, 8:09 pm CDT

Legal Activist.

By Lorraine on 2013 10 11, 9:06 pm CDT

Prompt answerer of emails; meticulous red-linerer of documents.

By BigLaw Associate on 2013 10 11, 9:13 pm CDT


By defensive lawyer on 2013 10 11, 10:27 pm CDT

Dammit, Jim, I'm a juris doctor, not a magician.

By Par4Course on 2013 10 12, 11:26 am CDT

Bullsh*t Artist

By ashthemac on 2013 10 12, 7:33 pm CDT

Troubleshooter. Responsive. Sure I will live in another far away area of the country full time for 9 months to try this massive case. And save you millions. Recipient of the what have you done for me lately award.

By DKK on 2013 10 13, 3:55 am CDT

Solo Practitioner: Receptionist, Secretary, Lawyer, and I empty the trash and sweep the floor, too.

By funky monkey on 2013 10 14, 3:13 pm CDT

I am a family law practitioner. My card should read "Domestic Freedom Fighter".

By Dizzyback on 2013 10 14, 4:39 pm CDT

Tells jokes to lawyers.

By lawhumorist on 2013 10 14, 8:11 pm CDT

I like to say "Reverser of Entropy". One of my fellow criminal defense buddies bills himself as "Professional Punching Bag".

By Adamius on 2013 10 15, 7:50 am CDT

life guard in the big pool

They won't listen when I tell them to stay out the deep water; then claim they didn't need my help when I have to pull them out.

By Allwet on 2013 10 15, 4:21 pm CDT

Minion of Evil, Inc.

By Cheeser on 2013 10 15, 6:52 pm CDT

Mother and Counselor at Law

No, I don't have biological children, just lots of clients who need advice, hand-holding, woodshedding, legal advice, pep talks, and the occasionally somewhat less than tactful reality check

By dsrtwren on 2013 10 15, 9:20 pm CDT

19th Century Clerk

By Ken G on 2013 10 15, 11:31 pm CDT

"J.D.--not M.D." (i.e., can't necessarily save all situations that are "flat-lining")

By MFA202 on 2013 10 16, 1:12 am CDT

"Last Minute Miracle Worker - cheap rates"

By Margaret on 2013 10 18, 10:25 am CDT

#35 - ROTFLMAO - love it.

As a former transactional paralegal and current contract analyst:

"I'm the one who actually reads the small print."

By aaf on 2013 10 18, 2:11 pm CDT

"Tilting at Windmills since 1993"

By Tim on 2013 10 18, 4:39 pm CDT

Add a Comment

We welcome your comments, but please adhere to our comment policy.

Commenting is not available in this channel entry.