1 Lawyer, 2 Jobs: Full-Time Baby-sitter Is Key in Family Life

Emily D
Feb 2, 2009 5:58 PM CST

I think that’s a great way to handle the responsibilities of parenting and your job.  It’s great to have that time in the car and other places to really chat with each other.  Another great alternative to full time babysitters or nannies, especially for parents who have busy schedules, is a legal J-1 Visa au pair.  These young people really relate to the kids.  They can work a flexible schedule of up to 45 hours per week and the cost is amazingly low - only $7 per hour no matter how many children in the family!  There are 12 agencies and Cultural Care is the biggest and I believe the best.

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F. Patrick A
Feb 3, 2009 10:01 AM CST

My wife and I are both lawyers. Though she made more than I did at the time, she quit work and now stays home full time. The money isn’t worth having strangers raise our kids. Two incomes is nice, but isn’t worth the trade-off.

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been there - done that
Feb 3, 2009 10:07 AM CST

I was a partner in a big law firm and away from my two young kids for an average 12 hours per day.  We had two shifts of nannies to cover that time.  Eventually I figured out that after salaries, nanny taxes etc.  I wasn’t making a lot more than minimum wage and that the greatest luxury I could give my children was a parent who was realy present in their lives.  Also it bothered me that someday they would realize that Mommy was willing to accept bribes (her salary) to miss their playdates and afterschool activities.  I realize that not everyone can live on a part time practice from home the way that I do now, but I am very grateful that I was able to be an active part of my children’s lives.

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dick
Feb 3, 2009 10:30 AM CST

sick.  If i believed in anything other than $, status, and feeding my ego I would pray for those children (and the rest of world if they ever become “elected” to high office someday….we all see how well the last mentally abused child worked out as president).

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Joe C.
Feb 3, 2009 11:03 AM CST

Sad and pathetic. That’s all I can say.

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Anon
Feb 3, 2009 12:06 PM CST

Wow.  This is fantastic. 

I doubt that 10 years ago, these comments would have looked the same.  And they say young attorneys have nothing to offer their Partners.  Here’s a message:  GO HOME.

I have rarely been more proud of my profession than I am right now.

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nurse and attorney
Feb 3, 2009 2:49 PM CST

Wow! 30 minutes of uninterrupted time is great for two parents with high incomes and positions of prestige and power. I would be embarrassed to admit to this but everyone feels differently about the rearing of children and what is appropriate and reasonable. Children are not pets, in my opinion. I spend more than 30 minutes a day of uninterrupted time with my dogs.

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Allen Sheketovits
Feb 3, 2009 5:15 PM CST

Comment removed by moderator.

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B. McLeod
Feb 3, 2009 9:47 PM CST

It does seem out of place in this century, but there was a time when it was normal for the children in a well-to-do family to be raised by the household staff (sometimes, by some of the same, aging servants that had raised one or the other of the parents).  It does not necessarily mean the children will be raised badly, or that they won’t have a relationship with their parents.

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A. Kessler
Feb 4, 2009 6:19 PM CST

What an obnoxious series of rants, indulging in the pleasure of judging others.  Alright, I’m one of those high powered lawyer moms.  I want to do and be everything I’m capable of and I BRING MY KIDS ALONG FOR THE RIDE.  I don’t do it for money or a second bmr (i don’t even have a car and take the bus every day).  My children and I are incredibly close - we share in all joys and sorrows.  For those of you sitting on high judging others who want specifics, not once has my daugher had a ballet recital, winter recital or school party without me there with flowers and baked treats.  She has play dates or birthday parties almost every weekend and every week my husband (also a professional with a demanding schedule) and I spend hrs with her on reading, math and history which is more than she gets from her pre-K (tho admittedly most of our time with her is spent snuggling and playing).  How is this possible?  Success makes it possible, tolerance makes it possible - when we give women the chance to be excellent as well as great moms.  My daughter had a medical appointment in the afternoon two days ago and time was tight so I brought her to the office with me until evening.  Other people in my office, people less judgmental than those blogging on this site, thought it was really cool and many stopped to chat with her and admire her pictures.  And here’s the kicker - I would bet every dollar of my fancy salary that the Ruizs in this story are the same way.  The point of the story is times are changing, our children are part of our lives in ways they could not be in the past, when they were sectioned off and hushed up.  Working and parenting are not mutually exclusive.  No where does the article say the kids only get 30 mins a day as the comments assume and what a terribly unnatural assumption.  It’s just 30 mins the dad can count on every day and doesn’t include weekends, school events, social events, early nights, special projects, trips together, and, oh let’s not forget all of the time with mom.  Joy and family happiness are not achieved cookie cutter; they must ebb and flow with the ways we all are different.  The beauty and specialness of a child being able to see her stay at home or part time mom every day when she gets home from school does not diminish the specialness of when the dad in this story discusses the events of the day with his sons in the car.  Let’s not do this; do not bring competition and judgment into the sacred warmth of the home.  Only one question matters, are your children happy?  And each must answer for themselves - and should not presume to judge for others.

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Charlie the Counselor
Feb 6, 2009 7:26 AM CST

Anybody remember Cat Stevens? “We’re gonna’ have a good time then”? 1/2 hour of NPR a day with Dad? Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddd!!!!!!!!

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Cindy
Feb 6, 2009 8:06 AM CST

My ex and I divorced when our children were very young and for the past 15 years I launched my professional career while sharing parenting responsibilities with my ex.  I too drove my kids to school in the morning and found the quiet time in the car a wonderful time to reflect on the day ahead with the kids.  I also brought them to as many professional activities as I could, most recently, a few years ago they helped me with a bar activity stuffing holiday stockings for a local mental health association.  I feel lucky to have a responsible ex who loved our kids as much as I do, always paid his support and that I had a job that could help me support my family.  Sometimes when my kids were younger, they came into the office with me if there was a snow delay.  Sometimes I stopped by their school or daycare for lunch or other activities that were going on as both were close to my office.  But, I found a way to incorporate my kids whereever possible into my other responsibilities.  A number of my clients have met my kids, just like I have met their families.  My kids are both in college now and seem pretty well adjusted.  They have benefited in many ways from my career since I could afford to take them on vacations and send them to summer camps that they loved.  In my case, I made choices that felt right to me to care for my kids, I always put them first but still need to work to pay the bills.  Folks, the question is what have you done to balance work and family, this isn’t a forum to be critcal of other people’s choices.

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B. McLeod
Feb 6, 2009 8:11 AM CST

Cat Stevens is now “Yusuf Islam,” and can’t even get off a plane in this country, because he’s too dangerous.  If J.D. ever catches up with him, he’s in trouble.

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Jason
Feb 6, 2009 8:15 AM CST

“How does the 43-year-old balance his two jobs with his family obligations?”

Working till 9 every night is not balancing you work with family obligations.  It means you are a workaholic and your family does not come first. 

To me people that work that much and ignore their children is tantamount to child abuse.

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tim
Feb 6, 2009 8:25 AM CST

Working as a lawyer doesn’t make you a bad parent.  Working till 10 at night on a regular schedule is child abandonment and does make you a bad parent.  Go home at 6 or 7.  You can still work at Big Law from 6 to 6:30 and bill 2,200 hours.  You don’t have to abandon your children to make an extra dollar.

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Glenn Johnston
Feb 6, 2009 8:38 AM CST

What kind of jerk takes a job from another deserving, employable person just so he can earn an extra 350,000 a year or so that he does not need.  Both parents are partners at law firms.  They don’t need the money, they don’t need to be that busy,  and they are keeping others out of the white collar workforce.  If they want to spend time with their kids, try sticking to one job.  Maybe then the sons will remember a game of catch with their father instead of some lame drive-time conversation.

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Melonie
Feb 6, 2009 8:44 AM CST

People forget that some us didn’t have a silver spoon and after going to law school do not have the luxury of quitting their job to stay home full time.  There are still $100,000+ of student loan debt to pay.  So the choice is trying to find a balance of a family life with work or no family.  All of the people passing judgment here obviously believe only rich people deserve to have families.  I was raised by two parents who worked full time and went to college full time when I was young.  I didn’t have as much time with my parents as the kids with stay at home moms, but I had a much better relationship with them because they actually spent time with me.  They made a point of spending time with me.

I’m now a full time civil litigator and mom to two children.  I have a very sick child, who requires at least one doctor’s appointment a week.  I take my baby to therapy twice a week and I still put in my required billable hours.  I take the morning shift, making breakfast and getting ready for the day.  My husband as the late shift, preparing dinner through bed time.  Do I wish I had more time to spend with my children?  Absolutely.  Do I doubt that my children do not have a good relationship with me because there are several nights they are in bed before I get hom?  NO.  My kids love me and we have fun together.  My children are learning their values and their idosyncracies from my husband and I even though they are daycare all day.  They love it there and get excited to play with other children.  They have socialization skills.  It is school to them and an extended family.  Yes, I look forward to the 10 minutes I have every morning with my kids in the car on the way to school.  We get to sing the ABC song and spot trucks (my kids are small).  I love it and value that time.  It is not the only time I have with my kids, but one of my favorite times, much like the dad in the article.

I would like to know how many of the people who put down the working father in the comments actually have children.  I would venture not many and if they do, are relying upon their non-working spouse to do all of the work.  That is not a balance.  Judging a situation you nothing about does nothing to help the dialoge along.

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Jim
Feb 6, 2009 8:53 AM CST

I am putting down the working mom just as much.  I am guessing here but I assume she works the same hours this dude does.

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Anne
Feb 6, 2009 8:58 AM CST

It wasn’t Cat Stevens - it was Harry Chapin and he, unfortunately, had his own life cut short.

I think everyone has different situations and its one of life’s great challenges (and a never ending one) to find the best balance. Children are resilient and wil generally do fine as long as they have enough love and their basic needs met. A strong relationship comes from some unscientific combination of quantity of time, quality of time, personalities, thoughtfulness and caring. We must nurture ourselves, too, in order to nurture our kids.

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Kids love NPR
Feb 6, 2009 9:05 AM CST

30 minutes is tough, but I found the NPR part more selfish than anything else.  He heralds that 30 minutes as his time with the kids.  Really?  While listening to NPR?  You think he ever says, “Oh wait, be quiet kids.  I want to hear this story.”  The answer is yes.  He can’t even devote 30 uninterrupted minutes to the kids.  If he truly cherished it, he would turn off the radio and listen to his kids laugh.

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SLF
Feb 6, 2009 9:09 AM CST

What’s interesting is that an op-ed in this week’s NY Times discussed that working parents are actually spending MORE time with their kids these days than was typical 20-30 years ago (and less free time with just adults, including spouse/partner).  As a working mom (with a full-time stay-at-home husband taking care of my kids), I think we’re feeling pulled in many directions, so really make an effort to spend time with our kids. It’s not something taken for granted, as in past generations. I also know that I spend way more taking care of my kids (and enjoying them) than my working father did a generation ago, and I work much longer hours.

To respond to the judgemental folks who say people should just “work fewer hours,” I agree with those who respond that this is simply an unrealistic suggestion, particularly in today’s job market. I recently changed jobs and, with the job market as it is, am not about to just “go home” if my workload doesn’t allow it.  And I’m working the long hours so my husband can stay home with the kids, so our kids are still with one parent but I am still missing out on a lot of experiences with them.

The problem is that our entire culture has come to expect long, long hours from everyone.  (#14 has it just right.)  Someone start a movement to change this, and I’ll jump on that bandwagon!

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associate
Feb 6, 2009 9:19 AM CST

#33, Melonie, you already made the choice.  If the debts that you have incurred as an adult have locked you into an all consuming work situation, then indeed, you have ALREADY chosen between work and family.  You chose work in case you still haven’t figured that out.  It’s nothing but selfishness that would even make you THINK that having children would be acceptable in such a situation.  Children can’t choose whether to be brought into this world or not; that’s a choice adults make, right or wrong.

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ARB
Feb 6, 2009 9:30 AM CST

The “right balance” is the one that works for you.  It takes a while to figure it out—just don’t wait until your children are adults and have their own busy lives living in scattered locations all over the world.  You just might find yourself left with no options.

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JD Vet
Feb 6, 2009 9:39 AM CST

As a law student who is a father, with a wife who is also a full-time student, this sort of life/work balance is already a reality in my home. And the reality is that as a family we will be trying very hard to maintain what balance we can when start work. But, as some of the more sympathetic posters have pointed out, that balance is possible to achieve if you work at it.
When my wife and I were both active-duty military we worked opposite 10- to 12-hour shifts. Bringing children into work was an impossibility. Getting time off to stay home with a sick baby was next to impossible. If you think the Big Law managing partners don’t give a rat’s ass about your familiy, your wrong—Uncle Sam and all those Sgt Slaughters out there don’t care if you live or die, much less what happens to your kids. Thers’s no question of life/work balance there. Both my wife and I will be making sacrifices to ensure that one of us will be home when our son gets home from school each day.
If you want to make it work, if you’re committed to making it work, if you work at making it work, you can make it work.

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Doris
Feb 6, 2009 9:48 AM CST

Mikey, “methinks” you don’t have kids.  Yes there are tradeoffs and sacrifices but that does not mean anyone is suffering.

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