Posted Jul 28, 2011 03:31 pm CDT
Judge Martin Sheehan of Covington, Ky., was so happy to hear a case had settled before trial that he searched for the right metaphor.
News of the settlement has “made this court happier than a tick on a fat dog because it is otherwise busier than a one legged cat in a sandbox and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off of a 12-foot stepladder into a five-gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a two-week trial of the dispute herein, a trial, which no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar and made the parties and their attorneys madder than mosquitoes in a mannequin factory.”
Sheehan advises the clerk to engage the services of a structural engineer “to ascertain if the return of this file to the clerk’s office will exceed the maximum structural load of the floors of said office.”
Sheehan didn’t immediately return an ABA Journal phone call for comment. According to the Civil Litigation Blog, Sheehan likes to include interesting quotations in his opinions, ranging from Shakespeare to Pink Floyd.