Share Your Witness Attire Horror Stories

DRF
May 13, 2009 2:07 PM CST

Many years ago I prepared a group of clients for testifying at a preliminary-injunction hearing. I took a moment to suggest that they wear conservative business suits, white shirts and ties to show appropriate respect for the court.  They appeared at the hearing wearing precisely the sort of apparel I had suggested.  Only when each of them walked to the witness stand did I realize that, in addition to urging them to wear the right suits, shirts and ties, I should have suggested that they wear socks.

Travis Smith
May 13, 2009 4:28 PM CST

A DUI defendant appeared in court (not for trial, fortunately) wearing a t-shirt proclaiming membership in the Coors Racing Team.

John A. Day
May 13, 2009 7:45 PM CST

A decade ago I was trying a case in rural, rural Virginia - an area plauged by unemployment and poverty.  My client’s daughters were both going to testify.  Both lived in NYC, were absolutely beautiful, and very good dressers.  Too good for the venue.  I took them to Wal-Mart and bought them more appropriate clothes.  They litterallly wept, but showed up to court every day looking Wal-Mart pretty.

NH Made
May 14, 2009 10:20 AM CST

I myself prefer to tell clients - wearing a wife beater t-shirt is not a good choice for a domestic violence charge.

Some lessons just don’t get taught.  It’s a good try - wearing your work clothes, while the judge wears hers - but not if you are a painter, or a mechanic.

HL
May 14, 2009 12:08 PM CST

A T-shirt reading “Cocaine” in Coca-Cola script, on a client appearing for sentencing in a drug case before the county’s most moralistic judge.

Not to be overlooked are those fun-loving federal marshals in U.S. courthouses where the dress code requires a coat and tie.  The marshals maintain a stash of prize-winning garish outfits for witnesses who show up insufficiently haberdashed.  The more the marshals resent the witness—for reasons known only to cop types—the sillier they make them look.  Not quite “My Cousin Vinnie,” but close to it.

Anonymous
May 14, 2009 7:12 PM CST

None of these client- or witness-attire stories can match the true tales of attorney wardrobe malfunction that I have seen in my small California county’s criminal courts.  There’s one senior female prosecutor who doesn’t seem to even try to follow the same rules that the rest of us do. More than a few times, I’ve seen her in court wearing beige Wranglers, cowboy boots, and a worn-looking old pullover sweater.  At the complete other end of the spectrum, another time I saw the same prosecutor wearing a dark blue satin sleeveless dress that poofed out at the bottom with that crinkly stuff underneath (tulle?  crinoline?)  It looked fancier than most bridesmaid dresses.  I don’t know her so I have no idea what she’s like, but dressing like that makes her look like a nutcase.  I would love to try a case against an attorney who, for no apparent reason, comes to court wearing her prom dress.

Philadelphia Law Clerk
May 15, 2009 3:20 AM CST

Sometimes, it’s not only your witnesses. It’s also their fans. In a capital murder trial, one of the defendant’s friends happened to be a local rap star, who belatedly entered the court with a posse of groupies, all wearing sunglasses and streetwear, transforming the subdued room into a music video set. It just doesn’t help your cause, my friend.

Debra Bollinger
May 15, 2009 5:17 AM CST

I had a witness in magistrate court who came to court in jeans.  The hearing got postponed and so I asked her if it were possible for her to wear something a little dressier for the court date.  Well, she did show up—wearing the only thing she had that was “dressy”.  It was her senior year prom dress, bright green, full length.  I never told a witness to wear something dressy after that.  I let them wear what they want.

Tom Wand
May 15, 2009 5:50 AM CST

When the public defender had a conflict, I accepted an appointment to represent a young man on some drug charges.  He was wearing a T-shirt that read, “Reality is just a crutch for those who can’t handle drugs.”

AL B
May 15, 2009 5:53 AM CST

It had been a long Winter and on the first sunny Thursday in March when the Support Judge would have been on the golf course, he was stuck on the bench to hear contempt citations.  My client had just returned from California where he was looking for work and had accumulated $10,000 in arrearages.  He appeared in court wearing a leather vest and pants, no shirt and two gold chains around his neck, showing off his beautiful California tan.  The Judge was not amused and so I lost my client to the county jail for six months Of couse it didn’t help that the client had accumulated these arrearages while he was previously been to Florida looking for work and proceeded to tell the judge that he looked pasty….

Bowers
May 15, 2009 6:48 AM CST

My personal favorite is the woman who appeared for a domestic court hearing wearing a T-shirt that said “Men are like blizzards- You never no how long they are going to last, or how many inches you are going to get.” When she was told to change her shirt, she reappeared a few minutes later having swapped her t-shirt with a stranger.  I would have loved seeing the Judge’s reaction if she hadn’t changed.

Erica Garay
May 15, 2009 7:10 AM CST

My favorite incident took place at a deposition during expedited discovery that preceded a federal preliminary injunction hearing.  A main witness who was an engineer suspected of working with the defendants, wore a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt to his examination. On the record I asked him if he was making a statement by wearing it and he said “yes.”

JD
May 15, 2009 7:13 AM CST

I worked in the Public Defender’s Office for a couple years.  On one occasion, I told the client to wear his Sunday best for the upcoming Court appearance.  He arrived on the appointed day in dress slacks, polished shoes and a T-shirt displaying the image of a tuxedo.  Needless to say, we loaned him a shirt, tie and jacket.

Kafka Esquire
May 15, 2009 7:17 AM CST

Fifteen years ago I represented (pro bono) a disabled prostitute seeking SSDI benefits.  When prepping her for our meeting with her SSA case officer, I suggested that she wear “something clean and comfortable; nothing too fancy; nothing with holes”.

She showed up for the meeting wearing what can only be described as a diaphanous tank top, skin-tight white leather short-shorts, and white leather “Go Go” (thigh-high) boots.

It was an awkward afternoon…

kenneth glaspey
May 15, 2009 7:32 AM CST

I was going to be taking the deposition of a young man accused of being involved in a hit and run accident where it was believed that he was under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.  His insurance carrier was denying all liability.  In the deposition, which was videtaped, the young man (age 19) showed up wearing a Reefer Madness T-shirt, a baseball hat that said BLUNT, two big earrings, nose ring, lip ring, and testified that he never drinks or uses drugs.  The case settled immediately after his deposition.

Dan Bronk
May 15, 2009 7:56 AM CST

A 400 pound claimant in a workers’ compensationclaim showed up for his hearing sporting a bright yellow t-shirt with the message “FAT F*CK” with a an arrow pointing up.  One has to wonder: who bought the shirt for him? Why would you wear it anywhere, let alone to court?

EE
May 15, 2009 8:02 AM CST

As an intern at the Public Defender’s office, I assisted in a trial of a young man charged with 3rd degree assault. The attorney and I coached the defendant to wear something professional - a suit if possible. He showed up for all three days of the trial wearing the same suit - which was entirely comprised of burgundy velvet! The suit was obviously borrowed as it was too large, and instead of using a belt to keep his pants up, he used several safety pins to make them fit. To top it off, he wore large gold rimmed glasses (he didn’t need and had never worn glasses before) and a matching velvet, burgundy floppy hat with - no lie - a feather in it. It was straight out of Starsky & Hutch.

Marty Lemert
May 15, 2009 8:23 AM CST

I had an arbitration witness show up to testify for her husband and when she took her jeans jacket off and faced the arbitrator she was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned in big black lettering “I’m a b**ch”! (without the asterisks!)

Bruce Baber
May 15, 2009 9:25 AM CST

Long ago I represented a defendant charged with murder.  He had stabbed a man to death.  We intended to argue self defense.  He met me at my office immediately before our scheduled first appearance with counsel wearing a sleeveless shirt.  I told him to go home and change shirts.  He asked why.  I told him I didn’t like the tattoo on his shoulder.  He said he liked his tattoo.  I told him, “A tattoo of a human skull with a knife stuck through the eye socket and coming out the mouth is not the image we are trying to project.”  He grudgingly changed shirts—and I mean grudgingly.

Litigator
May 15, 2009 9:34 AM CST

I had a client, a Plaintiff in a PI case, who came to court on trial day wearing very dirty and torn t-shirt, cut-out jeans as dirty as it can be. He also looked disheveled like he has not had a bath for weeks and the air around him matched the look.  I was almost gagging talking to him because his breath was oozing putrid odor at every sentence.
The defendant, on the other hand was wearing a nice suit,  he was well-shaven and looking suave just like his attorney.
I had to call my client aside and told him that I can’t let him face the jury looking like this.  We have to summarily dismiss the case without prejudice and re-filed it later.
On the next scheduled trial date, about a year later; after I have lectured him on how to dress appropriately and borrowing him a tie, he showed up with a shirt and tie, khaki pants, but a very dirty pair of sneekers, it was like a dent on a new Benz. Fortunately, he showered that morning.
NB: The case settled before trial started the second time aroung—four years after the accident.

Former DA
May 15, 2009 10:15 AM CST

When I was prosecuting a misdemeanor prostitution case, the defendent showed up in unremarkable clothing, but had a large titled Bible on the counsel table facing the jury box.

I was able to get the judge to have the book covered during voir dire and the trial. Prior to opening statements the Public Defender and I agreed to a plea bargain. (The ploy had not worked!)

Daniel Reitman
May 15, 2009 10:42 AM CST

Early in my career, I was dispatched to take one day’s ex parte motions to court.  The judge was known to be a grumbler, and standing a few spots ahead of me in the line was a lawyer wearing a bolo tie.

The judge chewed him out for a minute or two.  He responded that his wife was from Arizona, and a bolo tie was considered a tie there.  The judge allowed him to present his motion.

The next lawyer was wearing a bow tie and made a joke about the situation.

Next was a woman, dressed appropriately, who commented that the rule about ties did not apply to her.

Finally, I got up and said that if all else failed, I would have been willing to lend my tie.

Roy M. Jessee
May 15, 2009 11:35 AM CST

I worked for a sole practiioner during the summer after my first year in law school and was assisting him in a criminal trial on a charge of arson, where one family member allegedly burned down a home inherited by his brother from their parents.

We spent hours preparing our witnesses, none of whom were very sophisticated, although our client’s son was the shining star in the family, in terms of intellect.  I just knew that he would do a great job as a witness.

My hopes sank markedly, when our star witness, turned his back toward the jury, entering the witness chair, and effectively mooned the jury, as half of his butt crack was exhibited.

This was my first lesson in the importance of witness attire and comportment, and one I have never forgotten.

GH
May 15, 2009 2:15 PM CST

As a young prosecutor I was told prostitution cases settle and never go to trial. But odd things alway happen to me and I ended up with a prostitution case that went to trial.

The prostitute showed up for trial wearing pink pajama bottoms that I vaguely recall might have had a word or phrase on the bum. She wore a hooker-style jacket comlete with fake fur trim. On her feet were bedroom slippers.

She luckily did not have to testify and the PD took it to trial because of a loophole this fresh out of law school prosecutor did not know. The prostitute did not “verbalize”. She ran an ad in the free weekly newspapers (akin to Craigslist) and the undercover called to arrange a meet (even the amount). When the UC showed up and handed her the money, she would not “verbalize” what she would do for it until the UC had removed his clothes, which he could not do.

In the world of misdemeanor criminal cases, the defendants are pretty “colorful”.

Aspiring Former Lawyer
May 15, 2009 3:09 PM CST

Early in my career, I was asked to second-chair a landlord/tenant trial for the firm’s star paralegal, Carol.  She was the kind of paralegal any lawyer or firm would cherish - bright, exceptionally knowledgeable and experienced in the law and always impeccably, professionally attired.  In fact, the firm often asked Carol to “help” some of the sartorially challenged women lawyers define their personal sense of style.  With respect to the trial, Carol was acting as defense counsel and intended to call her husband, Bob, as a witness to testify about the timely hand-delivery of their rental payment to the condo managing agent.  In order not to taint his testimony, Bob was sequestered in the hallway until presentation of their case.  Carol called Bob in her case-in-chief and the bailiff summoned him from the hallway.  My jaw hit the floor when the doors opened and Bob entered, resplendent in a full length charcoal beaver coat with matching hat over a Travolta-esque disco-era pantsuit and gator shoes.  Bob then doffed the hat, carried it under his arm and petted it as if it were a Siamese cat in repose, and pimped his way down the aisle to witness box.  I swear I heard the theme from Shaft in the background.  Although I was completely mortified, Bob came through in the clutch and Carol won the case.  I guess Justice is blind after all.  (Names changed to protect the innocent).