Female Partner: Learn How to Beat the Boys

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Law Practice

Posted Oct 12, 2007, 01:59 pm CDT
By Martha Neil

Updated: Forget part-time hours, flexible schedules and work-life balance. Mercedes Meyer wants women lawyers to aim for the top and learn how to beat the boys at their own game. And a big part of that, she says, is learning the behavior patterns that male colleagues recognize as authoritative.

Meyer, who is an intellectual property partner in the Washington, D.C., office of Drinker Biddle & Reath, had an "aha moment" a few years ago when she ran across a book by Lois Frankel: Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers. From it, Meyer says, she learned not to smile too much and to make statements rather than ask questions. That way, she avoids playing into stereotyped "female mannerisms that men misread as hesitancy or uncertainty," explains New York Lawyer (reg. req.), in a story that is reprinted from Legal Times.

Since then, she has expanded on the concept by taking courses with a company that teaches lawyers acting techniques to use in the courtroom and elsewhere. Now, Meyer says, when "I’ve got the biggest management part, but I’m the only chick here, I’m going to lower my vocal tone, because guys respect women who speak in a lower tone. And if I have to use a little bit of potty mouth, fine.” For example, she might make a pitch by saying “Look, I’ve worked with the guy—he’s not an asshole.”

Such self-packaging helps women brand themselves as successful professionals, and compete on a level playing field with male lawyers, rather than accepting a secondary role, Meyer says. “We’re all speaking in different dialects, and we don’t know it.”

Responding to critical comments about this post in an interview with ABAJournal.com late Friday afternoon, Meyer says some major aspects of her message have been missed in the brief synopsis of a much lengthier Legal Times article.

Her statements to Legal Times were made concerning a group she founded, the Professional Book Club for Mentoring and Networking of the American Intellectual Property Law Association’s Women in IP Law Committee, she notes. And, rather than pitting women lawyers against male colleagues or creating "a bashing session," the club--which has men as well as women members--is intended to educate lawyers of both sexes about effective ways to communicate and pursue their careers.

"I’m not saying go be a man,” Meyer says of what she hopes women lawyers will derive from her work. But, she says, when creating a personal brand and and a business plan, a lawyer of either sex benefits by understanding the unwritten rules of the game and “making very conscious decisions about what you want to do."

(Updated Oct.19 at 7:49 p.m., CDT.)

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Posted by Caroline S. Zoes - 8 months, 3 weeks, 9 hours, 7 minutes ago

Why can’t women be women and succeed at practicing law, rather than try to immitate men.
Posted by Cedulie Laumann - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 13 hours, 39 minutes ago

A vociferous “No!”
The only path to success in this profession is to start cursing, stop smiling and play “nasty?” Count me (and hopefully other men & women I respect in this profession) out. A few years ago, I researched & wrote on female litigators. More troubling than the relative dearth in our profession was the high cost many paid to “be one of the boys.” Almost without exception, those who took the path advocated by Meyers expressed great regret and concluded “it wasn’t worth it.” Ms. Meyers sounds talented and dedicated - I’d encourage her (and others like her) to take another look at the price before paying.
Posted by Amy Rush - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 13 hours, 20 minutes ago

Why would I want to act like a man?

I think I will stick to acting like a intelligent, professional, ethical and courteous FEMALE attorney.

Seems to me that people that choose to act as the author describes define their entire existence around being an attorney - not a person, mother, father, brother, sister, etc. Sad statement.

I know too many former male partners (and one female partner comes to mind) of mine that missed out on their lives because they were too busy playing MALE attorney.
Posted by Wendi Amos - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 13 hours, 15 minutes ago

Very retro. Men are taking classes to learn how to ask questions, be active listeners and develop stereotypically female skills. We as females, if self-empowered, can chart our own path to the highest positions in the legal community. While I think reflecting on the image you see in the mirror is helpful (i.e., take note if you have a feature that just isn’t working for you, like a tendency to inappropriately giggle), don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. I don’t need to wear pants, my legs look great :).
Posted by Alison FitzGerald - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 13 hours, 8 minutes ago

I have often heard this approach pitched as a panacea for curing the drop off rate of women in law firms whose numbers taper off at upper associate and partnership levels. Its an easy - and bad- answer to an institutional problem. Feeding into bad practices, addiction, and malaise is not an answer to what will make us all more satisfied, productive employees and professionals. The author’s approach is antithetical to raising the bar on professionalism generally in legal practice.
Posted by DAG - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 13 hours ago

Like everything, it’s a matter of avoiding the extremes. The attitude that there is a game to beat, an us/them mentality, stunts progress and perpetuates resentment, and worse. However, it is important for anyone dealing with other people to understand certain differences between males and females-- how they communicate and receive information and nuances, how they react--to be more successful in avoiding negative consequences of the differences. If it’s so crucial to a marriage, why isn’t it so with employment relationships?
Posted by Isaac Laquedem - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 12 hours, 54 minutes ago

Would a similar article have been published with the headline “How to beat the girls at their own game”?
Posted by This is awful advice - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 12 hours, 52 minutes ago

So in order for women to succeed we have to abandon everything feminine? That is the most anti-feminist thing I think I have ever heard from another woman. We should be accepted and respected for who we ARE, not for pretending to be like men.

I actually find that the female style is more effective anyway. Men have a lot to learn from us. There is a reason matriarchal societies function so much better.
Posted by Nichole - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 12 hours, 36 minutes ago

How unfortunate. I work with all male partners, yet I’ve found you can be assertive and 100% woman at the same time. I’m not going to sacrifice who I am for what other people think I should be in anything—why would I do so in my work? Besides, the quality of my work speaks for itself. “How to Pitch Like Girl” is a much better teaching model for women (and men) in communicating with and understaning each other.
Posted by just wondering - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 12 hours, 33 minutes ago

what are some successful matriarchal societies, functioning today?
Posted by Three steps back - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 12 hours, 32 minutes ago

Modern feminism apprently to leave women with less “real” choices. At the end of the day, women’s behavior and success remains dictated by what is acceptable to men. Where does it end? Should we start dressing and smelling like men too? I’ll choose part time hours and work life balance any day - at least it was a decision that ‘I made for myself.’
Posted by Lesley - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 12 hours, 22 minutes ago

The problem with this approach is that we’re conforming to what men see as authoratative and if women do it long enough, we’ll buy into that authority--in the end, we won’t change anything. Sure, there may be more partners that look like women, but we won’t have changed the male-dominated work environment; we will only have perpetuated it. We may even look at other “feminine” women as weak! Changing the status quo is slow and difficult, but it certainly doesn’t happen by conforming to it.
Posted by Christine - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 12 hours, 19 minutes ago

I find the author’s point of view quite as distasteful. I think that the greatest feminist strides have been made this way. On your way to the managing partner’s desk isn’t the time or place to vocally assert your feminism. You do that once you get there.
Posted by denise glassmeyer - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 12 hours, 4 minutes ago

The article was not very helpful. It could be summed up in one or two terse sentences. 1. To be successful, understand how the audience is predisposed to receive your message favorably. and 2) If you really want to achieve a goal, tailor your message to meet the audience’s expectations.

How very feminine. Psyche out those around you and manipulate as needed. I used to watch my mom do this with city council members in the ‘60s. I guess what is old is new again.
Posted by Stereotype? - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours, 57 minutes ago

What do these commenters mean when saying they want to still “be like a woman?” The problem is that men imposed that “womanly” standard on us to begin with. I WILL wear pants because I hate skirts. I also stand up and express my opinion while I’m in meetings with my male partners, even when I’m the only female, because it has never been in my nature to act meek. I agree, we should all be ourselves, but women should also be free to “act like men” without criticism from their women colleagues. By the way, I am also a happily married new mother, but I am still an agressive attorney.
Posted by CT - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours, 43 minutes ago

The concept is as degrading to men as it is to women - goes something like this:

Men are stupid, chauvenistic, louts, incapable of accepting or even understanding their female counterparts unless the women speak to them just the right way (i.e., cuss and use short, direct statements so as not to confuse them with questions man/confused=man/threatened=woman/not promoted)

Women are inherently flawed in our manner of dealing with other people in the world of law and business. The only way to improve ourselves and our circumstances is not to support one another, but to act like one of the guys so that no woman can possibly get ahead who dares to behave in a manner that is “too” feminine.

Yeah, great plan. If my boss needs me, tell him to come into the cave and drag me out by my hair.
Posted by Offended - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours, 38 minutes ago

Funny - I thought that my attributes as an attorney came from my intelligence and dilligence in representing my clients - not my ability to reduce myself to the level of a cursing, unfriendly, unsmiling b%#ch - which, by the way, is how this woman is likely percieved by her colleagues.

Any woman advocating this version of “feminism” has missed the real point of the movement. Women should respect themselves enough to be confident in who they are and what their opinion is - and men should respect them for that. Not for the ability to curse.
Posted by JE - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes ago

Stupid, insulting article all-around. I’m glad that there are so many attorneys who still believe they can succeed based on thier merits and not some form of inter-gender mind control.
Posted by laurasbuffy - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes ago

I don’t see anything in the article that says she has lowered herself to the level of a cursing, unfriendly, unsmiling bitch, or unfeminine. Using a lower tone of voice, making statements instead of “don’t you think” (if they did, you wouldn’t need to say it) and basically behaving in a professional manner is something girls don’t necessarily learn to do.

A lot of top bosses in law firms still don’t know what to do with women, but they have a much harder time marginalizing us if we’re doing all the things that good lawyers are supposed to do.

Thirty years or so ago, one male senior partner would always apologize to “the ladies,” we three summer associates, whenever he said so much as “damn.” By two hours into a meeting, my colleagues and I were ready to start listing aloud every foul word we’d ever said.

I’ve never met a female lawyer who even thought about not using mild profanity in their personal lives. They don’t need to be perceived as overly prim in their professional lives.
Posted by L Kay Wilson - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours, 17 minutes ago

Ok, hold on a minute. Let’s be fair to the author. I think her suggestion to adopt more powerful vocal mannerisms is apt in some instances. I am not sure she is going as far as saying, “Don’t be feminine”, whatever that would mean. Each woman attorney needs to find her voice of authority because, after all, we are attorneys and we need to present ourselves as confident experts. Some women do adopt vocal mannerisms that can be “misread as hesitancy or uncertainty”, as Attorney Meyer puts forth. Inflecting upward at the end of a sentence, asking questions instead of stating a position, and poll taking before committing to a position can look uncertain and hesitant. However, context is the determinant. A “feminine” manner of inclusion, questioning and clarifying and creating space for others to participate is sorely needed in many, many contexts. And “female” values are not wrong. But there is a time and a place for stating your position succinctly, using the power of the pause to let someone else fill the space, and keeping a poker face during an intense give and take. As I coach my clients (mostly women attorneys) to become more powerful and close the confidence gap, my clients learn how to integrate all of these skills into a constellation of powerful skills to deploy, depending upon the context. As a former litigator, I can attest that no matter what the vocal style, women who speak with authority get pushback more than males do by judges, clients and other attorneys. That’s part of the landscape, and should not deter us. Learning a few more assertiveness techniques is not a bad suggestion in and of itself.
Posted by Kristie - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours, 9 minutes ago

I’m not sure why this author thinks that “acting like a man” is going to get us any farther in our careers. It’s the preconceptions that are made about us that create the challenges to women lawyers’ careers. I never wanted to change who I was to succeed: instead, I set about building my career myself, with or without the assistance of the men who I had been working with. The best way to make a point is to be successful. Women ultimately have to be in charge of their own careers to get ahead. Adopting the worst behaviors of the men we are working with is not the way to do it.
Posted by Reach Higher - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 9 hours, 55 minutes ago

#16 is very funny and true - I can’t believe that messages like this are still being promulgated? Didn’t we already try this in the ‘80s? It is pretty evident that it didn’t work. Why is the legal community so behind the rest of even Corporate America (who, sorry to say, is behind the rest of the industrial world).
Posted by Nan - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 9 hours, 54 minutes ago

I fully agree with the majority of posters. This advice of “act more like a man” is so misguided. It is a race to the lowest denominator. A more enlightened approach is to realize that the as a society, entity of the world at large evolves, it is necessary at some point to change the rules of the game, and even change the game itself.

Generally speaking, men, through socialization that begins almost a birth, are taught to win at all costs. As a result, again as a general rule, more often than not it is men who run afoul and engage in unethical and or corrupt behavior. And women are to emulate this role model?? No thank you. For clarification purposes, I am not advocating the other extreme either - one of all nice and sugar and spice. When we as a society mature and break free of the need to have gender stereotypes less we forget which gender we are, we will realize that human beings are inherently (prior to socialization) capable of the entire range of behavior. Let us move forward to the next step of maturity and take the good and effective practices of each gender and combine them into a role model that all should emulate—male or female. For God’s sake, let’s not advocate the regressive mantra of let’s all be cavemen.
Posted by Wow -- Such Hostility - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 8 hours, 58 minutes ago

Ok, I get how everyone seems a little put out about the article. But I agree with #20 posting. I also highly recommend the book noted in the article as well as the book Play Like A Man, Win Like A Woman. Don’t get hung up on the titles as the substance of the books discuss the behaviors as we as women exhibit that confounds the opposite sex and pits us against each other. It gives pointers on how we as women should take an assessment of some behaviors and consider modifying them. (And you have to admit, we as women sometimes do things that aren’t appropriate in any setting except as home!) And for Heaven’s sake, let’s stop acting like little girls—e.g. crying at work, giggling inappropriately, being catty to other women and telling everyone willing to listen to how we feel about those other women, and calling ourselves girls!—and act like grown women.
Posted by Carol Incarnacao - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 8 hours, 43 minutes ago

I am a 1L and yes, I have way too much to learn, however, I do not want to become a lawyer and lose my femininity. I do want the corner office but I also want a family. I have succeeded in many areas of life because of my femininity. I am determined to continue to succeed, both in the corner office and in the home, without losing myself. I found this article to say the least, insulting to all women who measure their success not by the size of their office but by the sense of personal accomplishment.
Posted by seriously? - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 7 hours, 57 minutes ago

I am a female attorney going into my fourth year of litigation practice. I wear stilettos and hip jeans on Friday, curse like a salior and work like a horse - like I always have. The author of this article should be revered from not only being enlightened, but because she knows about marketing. This is what works for her, just like what I do works for me. If we all stop playing around like we need to embrace one notion of being a woman instead of another, then we can truly be equals. I doubt that men would be having this same argument when they try and compare notes about how to get ahead!
Posted by Common! - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 7 hours, 48 minutes ago

The title alone of this article is offensive to me, as a male. Most men are not busy trying to undermine or defeat women, contrary to the suggestion. I for one, support my female counterparts. Geez, let’s move on.
Posted by Pete in Michigan - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 5 hours ago

If you were going to China to meet with a Chinese lawyer who doesn’t speak English, you’d take a translator. Sometimes, the indirect method of classical feminine speech doesn’t work with men. Especially men at the top who are full of themselves.
Posted by Kim - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 4 hours, 9 minutes ago

Any article that uses the term potty mouth is irrelevant. Are we 4 year olds?
Posted by Mike - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 3 hours, 35 minutes ago

It’s good to see that at least a few of the parties commenting on this article have actually read the article, THOUGHT about the article, and only THEN, commented on the article. Isn’t being a good lawyer more about listening and thinking than it is about throwing down comments that merely represent a knee-jerk reaction? And if so, then it would involve - SOMEtimes, but maybe not all of the time - doing what you need to do to get the job done, including some of the tactics and advice set forth in this abbreviated version of the original article. I think this article is actually useful, for BOTH men and women.
Posted by Ann - 8 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 2 hours, 50 minutes ago

I read the article and every one of these comments (#1 through #30). I agree with everyone! I especially agree with #29. Well said #29.
Posted by Marilyn - 8 months, 2 weeks, 1 day, 10 hours, 55 minutes ago

I don’t see what’s wrong with being self-confident and using a lower tone of voice, if that’s what works. How is that “unfeminine”? I’m a government attorney and regularly deal with male partners in major law firms. Some of these guys will walk all over you if you let them. As for the cursing, it depends on the context. It’s not done that much where I work, but it may be different in some law firms. In today’s society, I don’t think too many people are shocked by a little cursing.
Posted by Women's Law Student Caucus Member - 8 months, 1 week, 6 days, 3 hours, 25 minutes ago

In the Women’s Law Student caucus that i am a member of, our president signs missives to the group with “Smiles and flowers, Cindy” I think it is childish and unprofessional. This same woman is incapable of dealing with conflict squarely and uses passive aggressive tactics regularly. I do not like or respect that behavior.
I think the author here is advocating being professional, not “girly.” Being a woman is one thing, acting like a giggly tween is quite another!

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