McElhaney: You’re a Lawyer Now, So You Can Stop Sounding Like One
Illustration by John Schmelzer
The local bar association asked Angus and Judge Horatio Standwell to do the next Wednesday night program on the “art of persuasion.” So on Monday morning, Judge Standwell showed up at our office with a jug of dark mountain roast coffee and a box of oatmeal raisin cookies from the Donut Shop.
“I know you claimed we could probably just wing this one without any preparation,” the judge said, “but I figured kicking a few ideas around a jug of coffee and some cookies ought to stimulate our creative powers.”
“Now I know why you’re on the bench and I’m not,” said Angus. “Bringing coffee and cookies was a judicious thing to do. Some people just naturally know how to make life more enjoyable than others. Let’s go in the library and see whether they have a positive effect on our powers of logic and persuasion.
“There are a few things you have to do whenever you try a case, with or without a jury,” said Angus, warming up with a big cup of coffee in hand.
“Amen,” said the judge. “And first is shaking off a lot of our law school training, which is probably the most pernicious source of incomprehensible bafflegab known to the legal profession.”
“Agreed!” said Angus. “I still remember my first day of law school. Mike Reynolds—who sat next to me in the second row—was the first one called on in ‘Mad Man’ Morgan’s torts class. The case was simple enough, but poor Mike stumbled around so hopelessly that ‘Mad Man’ roared like a lion, saying, ‘Mr. Reynolds, if you cannot state the facts of the case and tell us the holding of the court, could you at least make a sound like a lawyer?’ ”
“The same thing happens every fall in virtually every law school in the country,” Judge Standwell said. “It’s how the serpents of confusion and sesquipedalian tergiversation slither into the Eden of effective legal communication.”
“I’ll bet most people don’t even want to know what ‘sesquipedalian tergiversation’ means,” said Angus.
“It means pretty much what it sounds like,” said the judge. “Hiding what you’re saying inside long-winded bafflegab.”
“How about, ‘This errant pedantry, up with which I will not put?’ ” said Angus.
“Either one is a great way to start our list of big ideas,” said Judge Standwell.
Click here to read their list of big ideas and the rest of “Getting Back to Normal” from the May issue of the ABA Journal.
